I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
