I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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