I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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