Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
