I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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