everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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