chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
