I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
