u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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