The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
