They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
