I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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