I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
