Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
