So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
