Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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