Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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