I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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