On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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