Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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