I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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