If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
