She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
