After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
