There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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