We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
