You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
