just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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