I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
