So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
