i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
