I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
