I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
