I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
