Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Randomize
