went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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