I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
