i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
