My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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