she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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