Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
