I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
