just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
