Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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