remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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