I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sarcasm needs its own font
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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