I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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