where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Text me some of your sweat
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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