I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
