He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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