I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
