can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
