Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
