Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
