I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
