tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
