I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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