Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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