love makes seman taste better
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
