I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
