you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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