I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
