fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
